It’s time to get off the couch and do stupid stuff in cars. Maybe learn to be a little less stupid, too. Or maybe a more organized form of stupid. Whatever.
It is now autocross season. No clue what that is? Basically, it’s a race between a bunch of orange cones in an empty parking lot where you knock over a bunch of them in your car despite your best efforts not to. Alternately, you could stay on the couch and just knock over that glass of kombucha you forgot was there. One of these two options is clearly better than the other, even though it may require a helmet.
Interested? Show up.
Here’s what happens: you register, your car gets a safety check, you get split into run groups. and when you’re not ripping through the cones, you get to help put them back upright. Maybe you have a helmet; maybe you rent one. When you’re on course, you’ll have an instructor next to you to talk through everything, then plan more fun for your next run.
What else do you need to know? Not much. As a beginner, the rules are simple:
- Shiny side up, greasy side down.
- Keep it on the black stuff and more or less between the cones.
- What is behind you is not important.
Here’s how to max out your fun.
Walk the Course
You can see where some of the issues are going to be and plan accordingly. Even better is one led by an instructor. They will have driven the course – and maybe even designed it. They are familiar and will happily point out where the issues are. Minimum, it helps to keep you from getting lost in that sea of cones.
Don’t Look at the Cones
Look at the space between the cones. Millions of years of evolution have tied your eyes to your hands. You will steer where you are looking. So if you look at the cones, you will hit the cones. Don’t.
The Past Is Not Important (Part One)
Depending on the size of the venue, your speed will probably top out between 45 and 60. At 45, that’s 66 feet per second. What that means is that it is already too late to do anything about the next cone in front of you; it is in your past. Ditto the second cone. Eyes up and look up down the course. Way down the course.
The Past Is Not Important (Part Two)
When (not if) you screw up, let it go. Even more important, never bring your last run on your next run. It’s useless weight on the course. Laugh it off and get back in line. Every instructor out there has flattened way more cones than you ever will. My personal record is nine.
The Past Is Not Important (Part Three)
We all tend to overthink things. Stop it. Sometimes we rely on data acquisition systems or cell phone videos to do that for us. Stuff happens, and the seat of your pants knows exactly what that stuff was. As Jason Gay said in The Wall Street Journal, “It’s the affliction of overthinking: If it walks like a duck, and talks like a duck, wait, hold on, it must be a chandelier. It’s further evidence humans can ruin the spirit of anything, if given the time and technology.”
Just Say No to Technology
Turn off the electro-nannies. Unless they are extremely programmable, they do more to impede your learning than anything else. It might be scary to start with, but you will soon find out that what the car does well to keep you out of trouble on the street only serves to piss you off on the course. Besides, it’s too easy to either blame the tech or focus on it to the exclusion of programming your butt dyno.
Breathe
In. Out. Repeat. Again, depending on venue size, courses tend to be between 60 and 90 seconds in length. It’s not uncommon to hold your breath, especially when starting out. You will get brain fade at the end of a longer course if you don’t breathe. Feel free to sing because that forces you to breath. Clear your repertoire with your instructor first. They may sing worse or more loudly than you do. Maybe both.
Find the Guy With the Biggest Hat
Got a question? Don’t know who to ask? Find the guy with the biggest hat. He may not know the answer, but he will definitely know who does. Why? It’s a mystery.
It’s More Fun to Drive a Slow Car Fast than a Fast Car Slow
Don’t have an M car? Good. Any car where you have to keep your speed up will teach you the skills you need rather than learning to cover your errors with vast applications of torque and horsepower. This is why people drive Miatas.
Most of the Cones Don’t Matter
Figure out which ones do; the others are purely decorative. The important ones may not even be in front you. There’s a reason your car has side windows. Use them.
Brakes Aren’t Just for Slowing Down
Bouncing from a series of abrupt transitions? Sometimes, just a tap of the brakes pulls the oscillations out of the suspension so you can deal with the next few cones.
Some Sections Just Suck
Course designers are evil swine. Alternately, some parts of some venues have built-in problems that the designers have to work around. In those sections, you can’t do better; you can only do worse. So put the car on the edge of adhesion that gets you where you need to enter the next section and relax. Check your email. Have a sandwich. Call your mother. Whatever it is that keeps you from overcooking it, do that.
Some Straight Lines Aren’t Actually Straight
Depending on your car and its grip, there may be some sections that have a line of cones to navigate, but no significant changes of direction. Lots of these cones don’t matter. With smoothness and the fortitude of your reproductive organs, some of those sections can be traversed with your right foot flat on the floor.
Some Corners Aren’t Actually Corners at All
Some sections may appear to have a bunch of gates that you need to deal with. Do you really? Maybe not. Some sections may just be well-disguised sweepers. Much like those sections that suck, set the car up on the edge of adhesion so you end up where you need to be for the next section.
There Aren’t Enough O’s in “Smooth”
Each of your tires has a finite amount of grip. It can be used to speed up, slow down, or turn. You’ll start sliding when the available grip in any direction is exceeded. The smoother you can be at each transition, the more grip you’ll have to work with.
Photo: Jon vanWoerden
Take a Ride
Unless instructors are running for points, most will happily give you a ride, talk about the course, and explain what they are doing and why. Take advantage of it, especially if their car is similar to your own.
Give a Ride
If your car is doing funky stuff and you can’t figure it out, let the instructor drive it.
Speed and Distance Don’t Matter
Time does. So, fiddle with what isn’t being measured to prioritize what is: your time. Sometimes you’ll need to go a little farther to keep your speed up. Other times, you’ll need to give up some speed to take the shorter distance.
You Are Not Michelle Yeoh, Jamie Lee Curtis, or Ke Huy Kwan
As a result, you can’t do everything, everywhere, all at once. So, pick one thing, one skill, or one section and work on it until you’re better, then move on.
Get a Balaclava
You know, a fireproof head sock. The chances you need fire protection at an autocross are about zero, but that’s not why a lot of instructors wear them. Allow me to be uncharacteristically polite: your helmet will otherwise end up smelling like an Alabama outhouse in August. You can wash the balaclava. The helmet? Not so much.
You will be a better, safer driver when you’re done, but that’s not the real reason to go (even if that’s what you tell your family). You’re really going to go to hang with like-minded loonies. Some of them will even like kombucha.
